Just in case anyone's ever told you that there's no good use for people with pessimistic point of views....

"Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad make people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.

The study... showed that people in a negative mood were more critical of, and paid more attention to, their surroundings than happier people, who were more likely to believe anything they were told."

Taken from... Thinking negatively can boost your memory

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Speaking of bad moods... I've been in a funk/downward spiral for a while now.  I don't know how to get out of it. 

Yes, I've prayed. No that doesn't fix everything. Neither did going to church.  Neither did going to counseling. Neither did medicine. Neither did... (do you really want the whole stinking list?!?)

It's been almost 2 years since this hell began.

I'm so, so tired. So sad. So weak. I miss my son devastatingly so.  I don't know how to pick myself up.  (I know my son's father would rejoice in that fact.) I can't even imagine what picking myself up would even look like anymore.  I can't fathom it even in the littlest bit. 

I don't want certain people's help - because it would be out of guilt or obligation (the opposite of love). I'm angry that certain people turn a blind eye to the help that's needed - because they are supposedly healthy Christians.  But too busy with their world of comfort, mission, work, or whatever.

There are a few who would like to help... but they can't... because I know it would be taking away from the things that they need to be doing in their own life - and I don't want to feel guilty for accepting their help.

Nobody can win. Not me. Not my son. Not anyone. 

Well, perhaps my ex will/does.

 

 

came across this random xanga site today. it is fantastic (especially if you like photography, like I do).

 

 

words can't express the hole
grown larger than the heart

attempting to inhale the breaths around it
subdued by those who sense it, see it, hear it

drinking in the pain, the emptiness
spitting out the good, the wholesome

turns a blind eye to what is okay
seeks out the ones who run away

listening for the disapproving tone
proponents invisible to the blind eye

reaching, grasping, feeling for anything
hoping to fill the bottomless void

growing weak in solitary struggle
shoving away helpful vice

perplexed by the irony
devastated by despair

From Making Peace with Your Past (pages 192-193):

Imagine a sparrow

Imagine that it ... flies into a window... falls to the ground, stunned by the impact. after a few minutes you notice that the bird is no longer lying on the ground. You look up and see it flying straight toward the window at full speed. once again the bird slams into the window.

Thump! The bird hits the ground.

A few minutes later you look out the window and realize that the bird is going to try flying through the window again. The bird flies higher this time and goes into a dive. Again it hits the window.

This goes on and on 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 100 times until the bird is battered.

You are perplexed by what you have seen. You understand why the bird first thought it could fly through the window, but you do not understand why the bird keeps punishing itself. You walk away thinking, Something is wrong with that bird.

The bird is a parable of an adult who continues... trying [and trying, and trying] to win the blessing of someone who is not capable of giving that blessing.

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Judges 20:5-6 During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me. They raped my concubine, and she died. I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance, because they committed this lewd and disgraceful act in Israel.

I just want them to truly and deeply see and know the hurt they have caused.

Okay it's a little country, which is not her style... but this song is for my friend I guess I know it's for me too though.

How You Live
~ by Point Of Grace


Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

And have what you want, but want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night

Don't run from the truth 'cause you can't get away, no
Face it and you'll be okay

...

Oh, wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end, there's nobody else

...

Lord, please help me not lose spirit in the week to come. I know I am doing what I can...

Fears of taking a step forward -
... because the steps are often judged.
... because sometimes it's followed by ten steps back.
... because I've made mistakes, and I'm afraid to make another one.
... because I feel like I don't measure up to others who might take the same steps.
... because of "where I'm at" (not deserving to, especially now)
... because I've had "good intentions" before - but wasn't able to back it up with all needed actions
... because I worry I'll waste even more time (yet I waste time deciding, worrying, & being idle too)

Fears of you - and you - and you - and you... (which "you" are you?)
... that you will never really understand me - nor want to
... that you will never truly accept me right where I'm at
... that you will think I'm too much to handle
... that you will never forgive me
... that you will leave me, shun me, block me
... that you will hurt me (or hurt me again)
... that you won't love me as much as I love you
... that you will see my every flaw - and it will disgust you
... that you will think I failed you (too many times)
... that you will feel I am too judgemental, too demanding -- too much everything
... that you will think I'm just a job, just someone in passing
... that you will think "being there" for me would not be good for me
... that you will believe I don't need you
... that you will think I am not worth it


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Today I had a conversation with some people -- about taking care of, and dealing with, what/who is in your own hula hoop. I know I want to be in so many people's hula hoop. Too many people's hula hoop. And I know I don't appreciate enough the few I do have in my own hula hoop -- I always want more. Like an alcoholic wants another just one more drink. Like a work-a-holic just needs 20 more minutes to finish what they're doing... I just need one more person.

I want them to fill the hole that God wants to fill.

And I want God to let them fill the hole in my heart.

I want them to let me into their hula hoop, and to also hold my hand until I feel strong enough to let go on my own. Instead of being shoved out, like I feel like I have been so many times in my past.

It's not right, I know. It's just where I'm at today. And it feels like a few steps back from where I was a few months ago. Dang it! I want to keep making steps forward -- not any steps back. I don't want to make mistakes, or have weaknesses, or have needs, or to want more than people want to give. To be vulnerable to being hurt, to being left alone, to being cast out, or shunned, or forgotten.

Am I "bleeding before sharks" by being real and vulnerable in sharing all this? I guess I will find out. You would think I would stop doing that though, after so many shark bites, right??


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I realize how many faults I have
I realize how unworthy I am
I can accept and embrace the truths of all the bad stuff
... and struggle with embracing or accepting the truths of any of the good stuff
... because it always feels like it will only be temporary, or only 90% good enough

I need to stop judging myself so harshly
but keep growing and changing too

And I want to scream at the people who place value-judgements on me
And let them know how much harder it makes the journey
How much it drains me to know what they think
- but that they can't be open to expressing any good they see in me
- that they can only publicaly say I'm not good enough to do what I had been doing for so many years

But I acknowledge that I have learned valuable lessons through it all too
And have seen that I needed to let go in order to grow and heal
And have seen how much more I need to grow still

But it doesn't take away the frustration, fear, sadness, impatience, and anger
And it doesn't mean that any of those feelings will matter to anyone - especially them