Thursday, 03 December 2009

  • Took the low road...


    Today I woke up early today - and went to the local coffee shop to work on some stuff I'm doing to earn a little extra cash.

    In walks someone I have particular issues with... along with her husband... and they met with missionary interviewers (I think).

    I couldn't resist (well, I could... but chose not to)... after their meeting - when the people were walking out... I told one of the men that she was a bad woman. The guy basically said "okay" and walked away. Yeah.. I know this only probably made me look bad.

    Why couldn't I be the bigger/better person - and take the high road? Why do I want people to hurt as much as they have made me hurt??

    Crap.

    I can be such a flipping lousy Christian sometimes... and I hate that I can't forgive her too. I know it doesn't hurt her for me to not forgive.

Monday, 30 November 2009

Monday, 23 November 2009

  • Oprah did it again...

    Okay, don't go thinking I'm an advocate for Oprah - nor do I even regularly watch her show... but today I switched on the boob tube and it was on.  She did a really good show (again) today. Dang it.  The show was about sexual addiction and people who went to rehab for it. 

    Um... NO... I'm not a sex addict.  But I may possibly be a love addict - which was discussed by Amber, one of the people who attended the rehab center. 

    When I heard her speaking it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything she said I could completely relate to.  And the pain of what she has to deal with daily in recovery... I know I need to face and go through too.  It hurts so much just to think of it.
    • I think part of me might be sabotaging who I am - who I can be - maybe because I want to avoid the pain of intimate or personal relationships --
      • because of the pain that followed broken relationships in the past
      • because I wouldn't even know what to do with a "real" and healthy relationship if it landed in my lap... 
    • It feels so much like "recovery" means that I have to accept others' rejection.... which I guess I know, in reality, is just replaying out what I experienced growing up... but it just FEELS LIKE hard, cold rejection.
    Kind of jumping around with my thoughts on this... but maybe healing will eventually be for me kind of like how an alcoholic has to not dodge every bar... but they sit with the bottle in clear sight - and get their reward in knowing they have gone "X" number of days without giving in to that addiction.

    I guess I want to know the end of Amber's story (or someone like hers).  To see that there is hope for someone like her to have a healthy/safe relationship.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    In other news...

    I had a really good talk with my mom the other day.  A really, really good talk.  I feel grateful that she was willing to listen, willing to yell, willing to be yelled at, willing to really & truly hear the difficult stuff I had to say -- without hanging up.  And she was willing to consider and explore the possibilities of what I had to say as true.

    I don't know what will follow this conversation... I am trying not to hope too much, but I know I kind of want to hope a little for some additional good to come out of it. And healing. And change.

    Maybe that's not good for me to do - rather I should just be happy with the good things that came with the conversation from the other day.  Anyhow... I'm not holding my breath... but I am going to keep on hoping.

    There is some fear involved... fear that she might accept responsibility for what she did wrong - and having a heart change... but that I will still be the same to her.  I guess part of me thinks that I can/will be different "if only she/he would..." 

    Yes... I do know how ridiculous that sounds.  And I know it's part of the problems I need to overcome.  Why?? Because I know that I want people to accept me right where I'm at... so I need (and want) to do that too.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    Anyhow... I guess I'll wrap it up.  I know I have a long way to go in so many areas of my life... and I want everything to hurry up and get better, dang it all.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



Wednesday, 18 November 2009

  • good. good. bad.

     

    good¹: I got hired as a pharmacy technician at CVS

    good²: I designed a logo/sign for a new coffee shop in town and I got to see it up today.

    bad: I called to find out when my official pharm tech training started today.  They said that interns have to be given the hours for the rest of this year (I'm guessing that means I'm not "fired", but I can sit around waiting for 2 months to see if they call me when the new year comes around either.

    I have never lost so many jobs in my life.  It's discouranging and freaking me out a little.

     

     

Wednesday, 04 November 2009

  • brighter day & the butterfly story



    Having reacted so much to my recent dark mood and emotions - and flaunting them so publicly on here... I'm ashamed (and of course, mad at myself, too).

    Met with a group of ladies today - and it was good that we did. I'm very appreciative for them, and for the fact that they accept me "right where I'm at" too. They are there for me - while not hand-holding in a co-dependent way that would leave me even weaker and even more dependent on them.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    The Butterfly Story

    3941462847_09baa9a560_oA man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it had and it could go no further.

    Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

    Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

    What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

    Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

    ~(author unknown)


Monday, 02 November 2009

  • Think negative! I do.

     

    Just in case anyone's ever told you that there's no good use for people with pessimistic point of views....

    "Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad make people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.

    The study... showed that people in a negative mood were more critical of, and paid more attention to, their surroundings than happier people, who were more likely to believe anything they were told."

    Taken from... Thinking negatively can boost your memory

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    Speaking of bad moods... I've been in a funk/downward spiral for a while now.  I don't know how to get out of it. 

    Yes, I've prayed. No that doesn't fix everything. Neither did going to church.  Neither did going to counseling. Neither did medicine. Neither did... (do you really want the whole stinking list?!?)

    It's been almost 2 years since this hell began.

    I'm so, so tired. So sad. So weak. I miss my son devastatingly so.  I don't know how to pick myself up.  (I know my son's father would rejoice in that fact.) I can't even imagine what picking myself up would even look like anymore.  I can't fathom it even in the littlest bit. 

    I don't want certain people's help - because it would be out of guilt or obligation (the opposite of love). I'm angry that certain people turn a blind eye to the help that's needed - because they are supposedly healthy Christians.  But too busy with their world of comfort, mission, work, or whatever.

    There are a few who would like to help... but they can't... because I know it would be taking away from the things that they need to be doing in their own life - and I don't want to feel guilty for accepting their help.

    Nobody can win. Not me. Not my son. Not anyone. 

    Well, perhaps my ex will/does.

     

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Monday, 26 October 2009

Sunday, 25 October 2009

  • drawing with the right side of the brain



    art by me... 2009


    thechair
    the chair


    thehand
    the hand


    sarah
    a friend in ohio
    (didn't scan well at the bottom... her hand doesn't really show up)


    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



    Just got around to scanning these in. It's stuff I was learning to do through some art classes I was taking (we were going through the book called "Drawing With The Right Side of the Brain". It was actually very tiring for me to try to continue on, with all the stuff going on in my life, so I guess am taking a break from doing any further real art for right now.


    Currently
    Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain
    By Betty Edwards
    see related

Friday, 23 October 2009

  • words can't express



    Falling__and_Circleing_into____by_LightKing69 words can't express the hole
    grown larger than the heart

    attempting to inhale the breaths around it
    subdued by those who sense it, see it, hear it

    drinking in the pain, the emptiness
    spitting out the good, the wholesome

    turns a blind eye to what is okay
    seeks out the ones who run away

    listening for the disapproving tone
    proponents invisible to the blind eye

    reaching, grasping, feeling for anything
    hoping to fill the bottomless void

    growing weak in solitary struggle
    shoving away helpful vice

    perplexed by the irony
    devastated by despair


Thursday, 22 October 2009

  • Christians shoot their wounded


    they don't care what mess they leave behind.

    (not everyone shoots... the others just look away so they can stay comfortable in their bliss of ignorance... or shallowness.)

    they don't look back.

    they pick and choose who is lovable, worthy, okay...

    they go to help the lost, but if the lost are found - they better jump into that box of conformity very quickly, or they too will be painfully blasted

    left behind. pushed away. swept under a rug.

    they deserve it, after all.

    unneeded. unwanted.

    unusable.

    unsafe.


    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    dont try

    just do

    don't fail

    just go

    dont fall

    just go

    don't stop

    just go

    don't bleed

    just get away


    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    shoot




Tuesday, 20 October 2009

  • A sparrow, a paramour am I.

    From Making Peace with Your Past (pages 192-193):

    Imagine a sparrow

    Imagine that it ... flies into a window... falls to the ground, stunned by the impact. after a few minutes you notice that the bird is no longer lying on the ground. You look up and see it flying straight toward the window at full speed. once again the bird slams into the window.

    Thump! The bird hits the ground.

    Picture 1


    A few minutes later you look out the window and realize that the bird is going to try flying through the window again. The bird flies higher this time and goes into a dive. Again it hits the window.

    This goes on and on 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 100 times until the bird is battered.

    You are perplexed by what you have seen. You understand why the bird first thought it could fly through the window, but you do not understand why the bird keeps punishing itself. You walk away thinking,     Something is wrong with that bird.

    The bird is a parable of an adult who continues... trying     [and trying, and trying] to win the blessing of someone who is not capable of giving that blessing.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    Judges 20:5-6 During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me. They raped my concubine, and she died. I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance, because they committed this lewd and disgraceful act in Israel.

    I just want them to truly and deeply see and know the hurt they have caused.

    Currently
    Making Peace With Your Past
    By Tom Sledge
    see related

Thursday, 15 October 2009

  • Oprah, Freelancing, and Shiny Poop

    Thank you for today's show, Oprah. Very meaningful, validating, and helpful stuff.

    I sincerely wish my whole family would watch it in hopes that they might understand a little more about the emotions (especially shame) that are experienced with something like this.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    I have kind of dropped off the face of the planet lately. At least for the most part. It's been a rough time for me in facing stuff, while trying to take steps forward. Partly, I know it's because it's hard for me to forgive myself in so many areas of my life, so it feels like I don't deserve to take a step forward. And there's fear that I won't even be given a chance by others too. I know there's other factors too.

    I know I just need to "live in the moment" though - and just take one little tiny step at a time. And be okay with successes (and not minimize them), or forgive myself & learn from failures. I also definitely need to stop looking to everyone else (especially to the people who have rejected or labeled me) for validation and acceptance.

    Much easier said than done, of course.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    Recently, I was able to complete two graphic cart freelance jobs. I was only paid for one of them though (it's ok - there was a reason for that)... I decided to purchase some business cards to "put myself out there" a little more.

    I'm a little afraid though. Afraid of failure. Afraid of looking like a fool. And more fear of failure.

    Why does fear encompass me so much all the time??!! I sincerely hate having Truth... but living according to lies I guess I choose to believe and not fight against.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    lolbuilder.aspx


    Okay... I have a fairly sad confession to make. I've been watching the new "Let's Make a Deal" game show (I suppose that lately it makes me laugh when nothing else can). I believe it has replaced my childhood desire to go be on the Price Is Right with Bob Barker too. haha

    Anyhow. I'll try to get to the point here. There was a recent show where the host gave the deal traders an 8" x 10" framed picture of a super zoomed-in object (a.k.a.: "macro"). The trader would then determine if it was something they would want or not. Trader #3 was given their picture. She said it looked like "shiny poop" - and chose to go with an alternate prize.

    The "shiny poop" turned out to be a zoom-in picture of the headlights on a new truck she could have won.

    I feel I represent like the picture she had in her hands, and had an opportunity to have. That people discard me too -- because they only see a distorted shiny poop picture, that is so, so incomplete.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


    drawing

Saturday, 19 September 2009

  • for my frog kissing friend



    Okay it's a little country, which is not her style... but this song is for my friend I guess I know it's for me too though.






    How You Live
    ~ by Point Of Grace


    Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
    Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
    Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
    Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

    And have what you want, but want what you have
    And don't spend your life looking back

    Turn up the music
    Turn it up loud
    Take a few chances and let it all out
    'Cause you won't regret it
    Looking back from where you have been
    'Cause it's not who you knew
    And it's not what you did
    It's how you live

    So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
    And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
    Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
    Tell your husband you love him every night

    Don't run from the truth 'cause you can't get away, no
    Face it and you'll be okay

    ...

    Oh, wherever you are and wherever you've been
    Now is the time to begin
    So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
    Even when you don't think that you can
    'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
    So think of your fellow man
    And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
    'Cause in the end, there's nobody else

    ...


Thursday, 17 September 2009

  • Visit Ezekiel36_33to36's Xanga Site
    • Name: Ezekiel36_33to36
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    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 5/18/2005
    • True

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