How can we possibly be half way through this year already??


. . . . . . .




I am praying that the coming second half brings better times.

I am bored when nothing changes

but I hate change.

weird.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

• I have a roommate for the summer
  • She has a dog (my dog likes her dog too)
  • This is the first roommate I have "really" had in about 13 years, I think (with the exception of about 6 weeks that I lived with q friend a few years ago, when I had people still renting my place out for a semester while I was in Florida.)
  • I hope she can survive me for the summer. 
    
    
• I have a "closure meeting" coming up. 
  • I usually like closure.... but this will be a painful one that I am not looking forward to at all.  It make me feel stupid and is so invalidiating to get so stinking attached to people - and know that they don't/won't reciprocate.
    
    
• My son will be 12 very soon.
  • I think that I really should have a lot to say about that, but sadly I don't yet.
    
    
• My best friend has graduated... and is more than ready to move on and move away.  Several other friends have moved already too right after graduation.
  • I'm happy for them, but will miss them a lot.
  • I actually started to get mad about them leaving... thinking they could have stayed around for a bit longer to visit with friends (including me) if they really wanted to, since their lives were hectic before graduation... I know I justy wasn't ready for them to leave - and regretted that we didn't have time to hang out more before they left.
  • It was hard knowing that this was "supposed to be" my own graduating semester too, if I had been back in school like I should have done (I think)... even though I know I am somewhat where I'm supposed to be at -- and that I am on a new path right now too.
    
    
• I got EIGHTY-FIVE stinking hours of community service.  It was that or pay a fine of $560 ! !  After I lost my job, I lost my car insurance - and I got pulled over one night after babysitting.  I have NEVER had such a hefty fine in my life! 
  • I guess I should be more grateful that the judge is allowing me to do community service instead of paying the fine.... Gratefulness does not come easy for me, sadly.
    

 

• Relatively, I'm doing okay... a lot of transitions for the summer, I guess.  I'm adjusting okay enough through it all.  I think so, at least. 

 

today a lot of friends graduated.
it was supposed to be my graduating class...
* sigh *
the would-of's, the could-of's are haunting my day.
and sadness for the loss of close friends who are moving away...

no, I have not lost all hope...
but it's just another day of losses.

- - - - - - - -

there was a prayer said at today's graduation...
I don't remember exactly what was said...
but there was this one part that spoke a lot to me...
about Christians " serving those who have fallen " (or failed?).
Wow. I never hear people tall about that at church, or in Christian circles.
Do you??

I just wish that they would stop tearing each other down
and start truly encouraging them.
Showing them the same love, grace, and mercy that God has given them.

And, yes... I know that am the one that has fallen and failed.
And I need their encouragement - not distance. Not "tough love". Not criticism.
(though I know can take it - if that's what they keep giving.)

why do I keep wanting them to act like a real family too?
to truly be there for you.
to truly embrace you and include you...
loving you -while the world hurts or rejects you?

how is it that they think they are such " Safe People "
or think that they only need to look for " Safe People "?


- - - - - - - - -

in about 1-3 months I can begin applying to go back to school again...
I am trying to find a school relatively local to do art education,
to later go on to do art therapy.
I guess.

Some days I can envision it.
Some days I can't.
Today's graduation perhaps made it harder to see it...
Perhaps because I felt so sure
that TFC was the place I needed to be,
and Cross Cultural Studies was the way to go.
And that ESOL was going to be my ministry.

I'm not saying that God didn't do a greater work in me since I've been here...
But I do really, really want some clearly visible stepping stones placed in front of me,
that have God's stamp of approval on each one.

To add to my other "how to" instructions... I thought I would share how to catch a dog...

PREDUDE (aka: "How to lose a dog in 10 seconds or less")

1) Unhook dog from outside chain
2) Holding the dog's collar and her food/water dish while you turn to go inside the house with them
3) Step on "that spot" on your porch deck that you repeatedly told yourself not to step on
4) Fall through "that spot", scream, realizing that your leg is stuck and that you have let go of the dog
5) Watch dog happily run off, oblivious of your scream of surprise and pain and careless if you are possibly dying
6) Call dog 20 times to come back home
7) Worry that neighbors will call the police from all the late-night ruckus
8) Slam the front door, and decide that she will remain outdoors for the night because it's too late & dark to go chasing her - and because your leg is in excruciating pain

And now on to the catching of the dog...

1) In the morning, go outside an hour before you have to leave for a scheduled event to call for dog
2) Look around the outside of the house when you receive no response
3) Go inside to get ready (fuming a little that the dog hasn't come in - though slightly worried she hasn't come back too...)
4) Go outside and jingle car keys
5) Watch dog's head poke out from the bushes about 20 feet from the house
6) Tell dog repeatedly to come inside
7) Watch dog ignore you (with an expression that seems very much like a humored smile)
8) Go inside and put some peanut butter on some bread to try to entice dog to come inside
9) Fail, get frustrated, and stomp back inside
10) Notice that you only have about 5 minutes before you have to arrive to your appointed destination
11) Defeatedly accept that there is only one option to get the dog in the house...
12) Go to the car and turn it on...
13) Notice that the dog looks suddenly very interested
14) Back out of driveway and start driving towards your friend's house that is a about a mile away
15) Look in rearview mirror
16) Notice dog trying to corral your vehicle, and then running after it after you accelerate
17) Arrive to friend's home and roll your window down
18) Apologize to friend who's been waiting and motion towards the dog who is arriving right behind you, panting all the way (and lucky to be alive due to the incoming cars to the road)
19) Ask friend if she can wait a few more minutes then begin driving home
20) Sheepishly greet the inquisitive-looking neighbors as you pass them with your dog running after you
21) Arrive home and realize that dog is still not worn out enough to be caught
22) Drive around the small driving area around your neighbor's home, while using the special breathing techniques you once learned to keep your mood calm
23) Realize that the dog has finally worn herself out completely and finally take her by the collar
24) Decide that you still love her even if she can be a pain in the rear & resolve to not return her to the shelter she once came from
25) Put dog back on the chain outside so you can go back with your friend and to let the dog "think about what she's done"...

 

INTJ

• I – Introversion preferred to Extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
• N – iNtuition preferred to Sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
• T – Thinking preferred to Feeling: INTJs tend to rely on external, objective criteria rather than a personal sense of right and wrong. When making decisions, they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
• J – Judgment preferred to Perception: INTJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability, which to perceptive types may seem limiting.
  

Characteristics of INTJ's
INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake... INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play... Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel... This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals... Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense.

. . . . . .

According to Myers-Briggs, INTJs are very analytical individuals. Like INTPs, they are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others. Nevertheless, they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else seems up to the task, or if they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.

Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism, creativity, and a desire for efficiency [!!!]. People with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbor an innate desire to express themselves, that is, to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Among their greatest strengths are analyzing and formulating complex theories. INTJs are generally well-suited for occupations within academia, research, management, engineering, and law. They are often acutely aware of their knowledge and abilities, as well as their limitations and what they don't know (a quality that tends to distinguish them from INTPs). INTJs thus develop a strong confidence in their ability and talents, making them natural leaders.

In forming relationships, INTJs tend to seek out others with similar character traits and ideologies. Agreement on theoretical concepts is an important aspect of their relationships. By nature, INTJs tend to be demanding in their expectations, and they approach relationships in a rational manner. As a result, INTJs may not always respond to a naturally occurring infatuation but wait for a mate who better fits their set criteria. People with this personality type tend to be stable, reliable, and dedicated. Harmony in relationships and home life tends to be extremely important to them. They generally withhold strong emotion and do not like to waste time, as they see it, with what they consider irrational social rituals. This, however, may cause non-INTJs to perceive them as distant and reserved. Nevertheless, INTJs are usually very loyal partners who are prepared to commit substantial energy and time into a relationship to make it work.

. . . . . .

INTJ's are natural strategists, better than any other type at brainstorming approaches to situations. They are natural but not eager leaders, stepping forward only when it becomes obvious to them that they are the best for the job. Strong-willed and very self-assured, they may make this decision quickly, as they tend to make all decisions. But though they are decisive, they are open to new evidence and new ideas, flexible in their planning to accommodate changing situations. They tend to excel at judging the usefulness of ideas and will apply whatever seems most efficient to them in accomplishing their clearly envisioned goals. To INTJ's, what matters is getting it done – but also learning the principles of how to get it done efficiently and well, that is, at a professional level of quality. They tend to give little thought to the personal cost of getting there.

Based on observations of behavior, famous INTJ's include Isaac Newton, and Dwight D. Eisenhower. For a more complete list of famous INTJ's, see Wikipedia.

. . . . . .

More Info...

They are introspective, pragmatic, directive, and attentive. They tend to be capable leaders, skilled in contingency planning and entailment organizing, which are directive activities that tell the planner what activities to do and in what order to do them. Despite their leadership capabilities, INTJ's prefer to stay in the background until others demonstrate ineffective leadership. However, once in a position of power, they are known for their efficiency and willingness to adopt useful ideas.

They are strong willed, self confident, and decisive. They are also highly theoretical and the most open-minded of the 16 role variants. Before an INTJ adopts a theoretical notion, they insist on researching all the available data and checking the idea against reality. INTJ's are suspicious of theories based on poor research and will discard ideas that cannot be effectively implemented.

INTJ's are highly pragmatic, and they will put forth a great deal of time and effort to implement effective ideas. They are driven to solve complex problems and to create organized, decided, and executed solutions. INTJ's tend to make positive statements instead of negative ones, focusing on how to make the organization more efficient in the future rather than dwelling on past mistakes.

. . . . . .

COLOR KEY:

• Green = Definitely a "yes" for my personality
• Red = Not really (at least not yet) for my personality

My brother's voice on the phone
Swearing and screaming at me
Telling me it didn't matter
That it was in the past

Yes, I know that
And I don't know
Why I want (need?) his sympathy
Or his compassion

Perhaps it's wanting
Things I know will never be
Or wanting him to be real
Letting me be real

Why is "being real"
So unsafe for my family
Why do they love living
With pink elephants?

Why does the truth
Bring so much anger
To those I love
Why do I tell them?

Will healing ever come
With them included?
Will healing ever come
With gentle words of affirmation?

Will healing ever come
With feelings of forgiveness?
Will healing ever come
Without the fury and the shun?

I know I don't need to blog... but part of me feels like just trying to unload a little to see what things I need to sort out... I know that I know where I'm at in life... I still feel a little like I'm fumbling with where it's going though.  I hate that feeling... it feeling like being in a pitch black room with your hands stretched out in front of you - not knowing if you will trip over something, if something will grab you and try to take you down, or if you will hit your face on a wall (which I am pretty sure I could somehow manage to do, even if I had my hands out in front of me.)

• Thursday is an important day for me.  Very important.  One of those days. Prayer is definitely needed.  Not just by my readers, friends, and family... but also by me.  I am struggling with praying, or at least with praying for the right thing.... God's will.  Not mine. *sigh*

• Job hunting has proven fruitless so far.  A few emails have come back with something like "we'll get back to you, because you seem somewhat interesting".  Please don't lead me on, people.  I hate false hope.  And, yes, I will be quite persistent if there is any glimmer of hope for a position too. (Consider this your official warning potential employers! haha)
  
• One thing that makes me somewhat angry is that now my father is right.  He told me I shouldn't move to Georgia because I would end up unemployed and unable to make a living here.  And I hate when he's even remotely right - even if it's only temporary.  Sadly, I am realizing how much I have lived a lot of my life trying to prove him wrong in so many areas.  I didn't move here to prove him wrong, but it still irritates me that he could say "I told you so"... well, if we were actually talking, that is.
  

• Another road that I would be willing to persue while the job market is dry is still going back school to finish my BA Degree (My passions are Art Teacher - to go on to Art Therapy and/or ESOL Certified to teach)... There is another shorter term program that I could finish at a significantly lower price and in a much shorter time period... BUT... Yes, there's always that big ol' but...   I owe my college some money... so I can't go back to school for any degree until that debt is paid off. Which I can't pay off while I'm out of work either...   (I know.. I know... "Wah wah wah..." again.)  * SIGH *
  

• Something big that God keeps throwing in my face... okay, rather that He has "allowed" me to see very painfully - but that I have known that He has wanted me to work on for some time now is CONTROL issues.  I don't like being backed into a corner -- but He knew what it would take to help me grow (which I truly and sincerely want.. though I still wish it would have been in a much less painful way.) I know that control for me is multi-faceted.  And I know it's a natural result of a lot that I have been through in life... but I know it's time to peel off that harmful, dysfunctional, and ugly layer of coping mechanism if I want to be whole, to be who He wants me to be, and to live a life that is somewhat less painful too. I guess the old addage about "No Pain, No Gain" certainly does truly apply in this area of my life.

• Another area that God's been pointing out repeatedly for a month or so now is how I truly need to stop trying to get my validation from other people... and to find my worth only in Him.  And saying "I know" is not enough.  I know that I need to learn to truly live this out in my daily life.
• This is somewhat of a balancing act for me.  I used to shut people out (isolating), so that I wouldn't be able to be rejected or hurt by others.  God has definitely helped me a lot in this area - and I am very grateful for that.
  
• On the other hand though... the reason I also isolated was because I really knew I truly *wanted* people to be there, and wanted them to fill my needs (instead of God - because they were a physical presence).  So now - God will hopefully protect me from encountering co-dependent people who are willing to try to fill my felt needs... but will also give me wisdom in knowing what's okay for me to ask for help with at times (because I certainly need help at this point in life, while I'm unemployed)... but don't want to become dependent on others either.
• I know a lot of this is rooted from childhood issues... because I want people to fill the void that was left from them not meeting my needs when I was growing up. Yes, "I know" only God can truly do this... but it's really a hard thing to want to let go of.  Especially when you see what appears to be healthy, close-knit families in the church (and, yes, I know that some appearances can be decieving).
  
• I have a friend who yearns to spend time with her children.  I want a mom that does that.
• I have a friend who prays and spend time faithfully with their family as much as they can.  I want that.
• I have friends who go to church with all/most of their family.  I want that.
  
• Yes, I know it's not healthy... but I am just being honest.
  
• And.. yes, I know God has allowed my circumstances for a reason. 
  
• And, yes, I know that if He allowed me to have all the people I wanted to have in my life, that they would likely become my idol instead of me learning to cling to Him.  
• I pray that God can truly heal this area of my life, so that I can be at peace with what/who I do have - and not hurt so much about the people I don't have.

---

"Mighty to Save"
~ by Hillsong



Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

My Saviour, you can move the mountains,
You are mighty to save,
You are mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Yes you conquered the grave

So, today I got a ride from a friend to the local coffee house so I could get onto the internet. I was pretty much stuck at home since Thursday because my finances are finally kaput and my gas tank is on E.

I know... I know... "wah... wah..." I know I'm not the only one in this boat too.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Last night I caught a preview snippet of a newscast. It was about a guy who had posted all his qualifications onto a poster board that he made into a sign... and he stood out on a busy road holding it up for prospective employers.



And that brings me to... am I willing to do anything? Am I willing to put it all on the line to do whatever is needed, for whoever wants it, despite any negative consequences I might foresee? And do I have any other choice, really?

My high "C" type personality (on the DISC personality test), has no room to give input or even breathe. The warning bells have to go on silent mode right now. And it's really uncomfortable. But am am willing to go outside of my comfort zone. And have. And dang it, it's still not paying off with a job. I think that is because when I lower my standards there are twelve hundred other people (possibly quite literally) going for the same thing that I am going for, because it's a relatively normal thing for them, while it's not up to par with where I've been and with where I'm going in life.

Anyhow...

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Do you ever wonder how in the world that the choices, turns, and mistakes that you or others make lead you to an unbelievable point in life? Oh... I'm there. I'm so there. I'm not hopeless, or thinking it can't get better... but I am sort of hoping and praying God would snap His fingers and make things get better right now.

It ties a lot into trusting Him and giving Him control... and struggling with knowing that people who do have a lot of faith, hope, and trust in Him have had bad endings... that being a Christian doesn't mean you won't reap consequences of sin, or circumstances of simply living life. I mean... think of people who died as missionaries in Africa. They went out on complete faith that God would provide everything they needed... that they would be used to reach many lost people... and left all that they knew and every comfort to go to serve God in Africa. And then... they got malaria or cholera or some other untreatable condition... and they died. Not ceremoniously. Some didn't even get so much as a grave marker because so many were dying.

Okay... okay... I'm not trying to be morbid here. I'm just trying to grasp letting go of all that I would want and hope for, in order to accept God's will... and how good or terrible it's outcome could feel for me.

And then I have people who are also in control of certain situations... who sin, who make choices that hurt you, that hurt the people you love. And I need to forgive them, despite their faults. Despite the significant hurts. And then I am also commanded to love them. And sometimes even submit to them.

But how do you love these people when you can't even love yourself or feel loved? Or is that a bunch of bull? Maybe feeling love is an outcome from loving despite the fact that you have been sinned against and been unloved. Or maybe I simply don't have the capability to love and God can only do it through me - and I have been trying to do it too much in my own power, with the idea that I actually could love.

* sigh *

Part of me tends to think it's the latter of these. And know I just haven't submitted myself to this idea - and don't trust God to change my heart about some of these people.

>>> Bear with me, please... I think I'm kind of figuring things out as a write them here. <<<

I am realizing that don't trust God (or don't want to trust God) to be able to change my heart about them... because then that would mean... that I would have to trust that if He allowed a negative outcome - and my heart was changed towards them... that there wasn't the "payoff" that I expected... and my will wouldn't be done.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Okay. I'm not changing the subject because it got too uncomfortable to think about the control issue I need to deal with here now... but I know it's going to take some time to wrap my mind around it... to know how to get it out of my head and into a point of living it out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So.. Obama has his stimulus package. And a lot of people are expressing great concerns over portions of it. I've come up with my mini stimulus package of sorts. Here it is:

1) Everyone in the US should throw discard (burn, flush, or permanently adhere to a piece of artwork) at least $3.00. That would mean that there is less money against the amount of gold in the US reserves - therefore making the value of the US dollar higher.

2) All companies should lower the price of their goods and services at least 10% or even go back to the prices that that they were charging "pre-9/11". This is an act of faith that the consumer will start spending again. The reason for this... it shows hope for a better economy - and I think the money markets are about 90% what consumers and businesses THINK will happen... and 10% of what ACTUALLY happens.

3) Employees who can afford to take a voluntary cut in pay should take a cut. This gives the business owners some breathing room to see profits, and shows them that you are toughing things out with them for the long haul too.

4) Anything you can do to conserve on your use of gas/oil do it! Carpool, plan your trips, plan ahead to try to find /buy more economical vehicles, conserve electricity as much as possible in every way shape and form, try to switch to alternatives to gas/oil for heating for your home. This lowers the demand, which should also lead to lower prices.


(I will admit that walking is one of my personal hurdles to tackle... it really takes me way outside of the comfort zone and I always have lots of reasons to use a vehicle instead of getting places in a different way.)

5) Meet you neighbors. Find out what their needs are, share with them about your needs and routines. Help your neighbor and be willing to receive their help... but don't enable. Set firm boundaries now about what you are willing to do for others or what you will give towards and how much is reasonable - and try not to be a penny pincher all the time. These times are tough, so there are going to be people in need who are doing all that they can do to get work and make it. Be like Christ and get outside of your comfort zone... be willing to give all that you have (balanced with Godly discernment, of course)- because all that you have is from God... and because you know your home, family and possessions are only temporary... your eternal reward is much greater.

6) If at all possible, try not to cancel your services, appointments, and normal shopping. It's just a horrendous downward chain reaction leading to disaster. Example: If you (and many others) stop getting your hair cut on a regular basis, then the hairdresser goes out of business. That's less money for the services that she/he would pay for, plus the loss of taxes that help the local economy that the business would have paid are gone too - which results in a loss of more people's jobs... which results in less local businesses getting consumer money to run their companies. And it leads to more people competing for lower paying jobs - while the prices of everything goes up as the businesses try to stay afloat to pay their bills.

7) Pray. Hope. Trust. I think that God will allow and use times like these to draw us closer to Him. Will we allow money to control us and our choices, and put us all into downward cycles of acting out of fear?

8) Sponsor a child or family overseas (even if it's simply a joint effort with others in your family or church). If you think you have it bad... think about people who can't even afford to have clean water or a basic staple like rice or corn to have even one meal a day. You can pretend it doesn't exist... but it does. It will help you appreciate what you have, and to know you are helping to save/improve a life will be so rewarding too.



Okay... that won't fix everything going on in the world, of course... but that's what I have for you now.