I know I don't need to blog... but part of me feels like just trying to unload a little to see what things I need to sort out... I know that I know where I'm at in life... I still feel a little like I'm fumbling with where it's going though. I hate that feeling... it feeling like being in a pitch black room with your hands stretched out in front of you - not knowing if you will trip over something, if something will grab you and try to take you down, or if you will hit your face on a wall (which I am pretty sure I could somehow manage to do, even if I had my hands out in front of me.)
Thursday is an important day for me. Very important. One of those days. Prayer is definitely needed. Not just by my readers, friends, and family... but also by me. I am struggling with praying, or at least with praying for the right thing.... God's will. Not mine. *sigh*
Job hunting has proven fruitless so far. A few emails have come back with something like "we'll get back to you, because you seem somewhat interesting". Please don't lead me on, people. I hate false hope. And, yes, I will be quite persistent if there is any glimmer of hope for a position too. (Consider this your official warning potential employers! haha)
One thing that makes me somewhat angry is that now my father is right. He told me I shouldn't move to Georgia because I would end up unemployed and unable to make a living here. And I hate when he's even remotely right - even if it's only temporary. Sadly, I am realizing how much I have lived a lot of my life trying to prove him wrong in so many areas. I didn't move here to prove him wrong, but it still irritates me that he could say "I told you so"... well, if we were actually talking, that is.
Another road that I would be willing to persue while the job market is dry is still going back school to finish my BA Degree (My passions are Art Teacher - to go on to Art Therapy and/or ESOL Certified to teach)... There is another shorter term program that I could finish at a significantly lower price and in a much shorter time period... BUT... Yes, there's always that big ol' but... I owe my college some money... so I can't go back to school for any degree until that debt is paid off. Which I can't pay off while I'm out of work either... (I know.. I know... "Wah wah wah..." again.) * SIGH *
Something big that God keeps throwing in my face... okay, rather that He has "allowed" me to see very painfully - but that I have known that He has wanted me to work on for some time now is CONTROL issues. I don't like being backed into a corner -- but He knew what it would take to help me grow (which I truly and sincerely want.. though I still wish it would have been in a much less painful way.) I know that control for me is multi-faceted. And I know it's a natural result of a lot that I have been through in life... but I know it's time to peel off that harmful, dysfunctional, and ugly layer of coping mechanism if I want to be whole, to be who He wants me to be, and to live a life that is somewhat less painful too. I guess the old addage about "No Pain, No Gain" certainly does truly apply in this area of my life.
Another area that God's been pointing out repeatedly for a month or so now is how I truly need to stop trying to get my validation from other people... and to find my worth only in Him. And saying "I know" is not enough. I know that I needto learn to truly live this out in my daily life.
This is somewhat of a balancing act for me. I used to shut people out (isolating), so that I wouldn't be able to be rejected or hurt by others. God has definitely helped me a lot in this area - and I am very grateful for that.
On the other hand though... the reason I also isolated was because I really knew I truly *wanted* people to be there, and wanted them to fill my needs (instead of God - because they were a physical presence). So now - God will hopefully protect me from encountering co-dependent people who are willing to try to fill my felt needs... but will also give me wisdom in knowing what's okay for me to ask for help with at times (because I certainly need help at this point in life, while I'm unemployed)... but don't want to become dependent on others either.
I know a lot of this is rooted from childhood issues... because I want people to fill the void that was left from them not meeting my needs when I was growing up. Yes, "I know" only God can truly do this... but it's really a hard thing to want to let go of. Especially when you see what appears to be healthy, close-knit families in the church (and, yes, I know that some appearances can be decieving).
I have a friend who yearns to spend time with her children. I want a mom that does that.
I have a friend who prays and spend time faithfully with their family as much as they can. I want that.
I have friends who go to church with all/most of their family. I want that.
Yes, I know it's not healthy... but I am just being honest.
And.. yes, I know God has allowed my circumstances for a reason.
And, yes, I know that if He allowed me to have all the people I wanted to have in my life, that they would likely become my idol instead of me learning to cling to Him.
I pray that God can truly heal this area of my life, so that I can be at peace with what/who I do have - and not hurt so much about the people I don't have.
"Mighty to Save" ~ by Hillsong
Everyone needs compassion, Love that's never failing; Let mercy fall on me.
Everyone needs forgiveness, The kindness of a Saviour; The Hope of nations.
Saviour, He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as You find me, All my fears and failures, Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow Everything I believe in, Now I surrender.
My Saviour, He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save. Forever, Author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
Shine your light and let the whole world see, We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)
My Saviour, He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save. Forever, Author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
My Saviour, you can move the mountains, You are mighty to save, You are mighty to save. Forever, Author of Salvation, You rose and conquered the grave, Yes you conquered the grave
He gave us free will so we could see what living without him would be like...and when we're so broken that we surrender ourselves, he gives us an opportunity to see what it would be like with him. Even though we kind of lose our freedom, most times it becomes better than the daily hum-ho dramas of daily life. I commend you for your candidness. I cant talk. I struggle the same even though I believe in Him and even though I have a job. Im a stubborn arse too. And I moved from to a state just shy of the other coast of the USA just to prove to myself that I could make it without my parents or anyone's help. Good journey, Ezekial. As someone once told me, its just a matter of asking for what you want daily or asking for His will daily, and with little effort, things will come.
We sing that song at church quite often, and I love it...The surrender part is so hard, I know. I am holding on to some things that I know I shouldn't be. It is so hard "I surrender ALL" to think of total surrender, but it is Gods desire for us, and his mercy is new every morning. I do believe that most people has something they are holding onto. Contiue on the path you are on girl, God knows those who love him, and he promises when we seek Him, He is found by us. So, hang on, even by a thread if you have to. Remember God is incredibly strong, and he won't let you fall.
I owe my college some money... so I can't go back to school for any degree until that debt is paid off. Which I can't pay off while I'm out of work either... (I know.. I know... "Wah wah wah..." again.) * SIGH *
Comments (3)
He gave us free will so we could see what living without him would be like...and when we're so broken that we surrender ourselves, he gives us an opportunity to see what it would be like with him. Even though we kind of lose our freedom, most times it becomes better than the daily hum-ho dramas of daily life. I commend you for your candidness. I cant talk. I struggle the same even though I believe in Him and even though I have a job. Im a stubborn arse too. And I moved from to a state just shy of the other coast of the USA just to prove to myself that I could make it without my parents or anyone's help. Good journey, Ezekial. As someone once told me, its just a matter of asking for what you want daily or asking for His will daily, and with little effort, things will come.
@PinkMonganese - thank you so much for your comment
We sing that song at church quite often, and I love it...The surrender part is so hard, I know. I am holding on to some things that I know I shouldn't be. It is so hard "I surrender ALL" to think of total surrender, but it is Gods desire for us, and his mercy is new every morning. I do believe that most people has something they are holding onto. Contiue on the path you are on girl, God knows those who love him, and he promises when we seek Him, He is found by us. So, hang on, even by a thread if you have to. Remember God is incredibly strong, and he won't let you fall.