Thursday, 30 April 2009

• How to catch a dog...

  
  

  
  
  To add to my other "how to" instructions... I thought I would share how to catch a dog...
  
  PREDUDE (aka: "How to lose a dog in 10 seconds or less")
  
  1) Unhook dog from outside chain
  2) Holding the dog's collar and her food/water dish while you turn to go inside the house with them
  3) Step on "that spot" on your porch deck that you repeatedly told yourself not to step on
  4) Fall through "that spot", scream, realizing that your leg is stuck and that you have let go of the dog
  5) Watch dog happily run off, oblivious of your scream of surprise and pain and careless if you are possibly dying
  6) Call dog 20 times to come back home
  7) Worry that neighbors will call the police from all the late-night ruckus
  8) Slam the front door, and decide that she will remain outdoors for the night because it's too late & dark to go chasing her - and because your leg is in excruciating pain
  
  And now on to the catching of the dog...
  
  1) In the morning, go outside an hour before you have to leave for a scheduled event to call for dog
  2) Look around the outside of the house when you receive no response
  3) Go inside to get ready (fuming a little that the dog hasn't come in - though slightly worried she hasn't come back too...)
  4) Go outside and jingle car keys
  5) Watch dog's head poke out from the bushes about 20 feet from the house
  6) Tell dog repeatedly to come inside
  7) Watch dog ignore you (with an expression that seems very much like a humored smile)
  8) Go inside and put some peanut butter on some bread to try to entice dog to come inside
  9) Fail, get frustrated, and stomp back inside
  10) Notice that you only have about 5 minutes before you have to arrive to your appointed destination
  11) Defeatedly accept that there is only one option to get the dog in the house...
  12) Go to the car and turn it on...
  13) Notice that the dog looks suddenly very interested
  14) Back out of driveway and start driving towards your friend's house that is a about a mile away
  15) Look in rearview mirror
  16) Notice dog trying to corral your vehicle, and then running after it after you accelerate
  17) Arrive to friend's home and roll your window down
  18) Apologize to friend who's been waiting and motion towards the dog who is arriving right behind you, panting all the way (and lucky to be alive due to the incoming cars to the road)
  19) Ask friend if she can wait a few more minutes then begin driving home
  20) Sheepishly greet the inquisitive-looking neighbors as you pass them with your dog running after you
  21) Arrive home and realize that dog is still not worn out enough to be caught
  22) Drive around the small driving area around your neighbor's home, while using the special breathing techniques you once learned to keep your mood calm
  23) Realize that the dog has finally worn herself out completely and finally take her by the collar
  24) Decide that you still love her even if she can be a pain in the rear & resolve to not return her to the shelter she once came from
  25) Put dog back on the chain outside so you can go back with your friend and to let the dog "think about what she's done"...
  
  

  
  
  
  

  • 9:26 PM
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