Recently, I have seen some people I know get very angry. I think it was good for me to see it too. I think it helped me see the anger I haven't experienced yet.. and has also helped me see that some of the anger I have felt has been there validly.
I have thought about writing my dad a letter. A really detailed letter, to express the anger and hurt that I have from what he inflicted on me as a child.
No... not a letter of unforgiveness. Not a letter to rub it in his face. Not a letter demanding retribution in some way. Just a letter expressing the hurt, the anger, and the affects of what he did to me.
That's just where I'm at today.
Thinking about it.
. . .
I've been talking to my step-mom lately. I don't know if talking to her has helped me to feel the anger a little too. I do know that she had abuse from him worse than I did, by far. Though she seems relatively happy now - I can tell that she holds on to the anger a bit too... and "needs" him (financially).
In my situation, it has made me feel like my ex had some sort of power in my life still to control me. Only because I know he hates to pay support because he felt like he's helping me, not his helping his child. I used to have to make him "happy" in order to get him to pay his support. There is no pleasing him now. And I'm okay with that. But I want so much to know that God is my one and only provider of all things - so that anything my child's father might choose to pay is part of His provision for my son -- and I won't seek him for the money - but only seek God for our needs.
Overall... listening to my step-mom has been a lesson to me, with regards to dealing my son's dad. Not that I am dealing with that matter perfectly... but I can see how the anger and hurt left over after the years of abusiveness can get somewhat tangled into the needs you have to express to the other parent about your child, even if it shouldn't be that way. I can see now how the children can be hurt by that factor too.
Does this mean I will be the perfect parent when dealing with my ex? Not likely... but I know I want to do better. To be able to deal with him in a manner that doesn't inflict more pain onto myself - or my child.
. . .
Where I'm at today.
I'm just here. But I am moving forward. I'm being okay with living today and making mistakes along the way.
I'm okay with not being perfect. I do still try and want to fix others (I want to "mom" them), most days - but I recognize that tendency a lot more - and will try not to do that sometimes... I have finally recognized SO much more about *why* I do the things I do. And recognize so much more *when* I'm doing the old stuff - and seeing that I'm doing it less too. Never perfectly, and with some days much less perfect than others... but still so much better.
I still want people to fill the emotional hole in my heart, and don't strive to have God fill it as much as I "should". I still need to change a lot in that area. But I *do* finally recognize where that need comes from, and can see the need I was wanting so badly to have filled by others in an unhealthy way now. It doesn't mean that I have been healed in this area - I imagine that I will have a lifetime of scarring that only God can take away if He thinks it would be in my best interest... and it doesn't mean that it hasn't hurt to have the gaping hole left open and unfilled. I guess that I realize that it probably would have ended up hurting me more in the end if God had allowed people to fill that "need" I felt, or that it would have at least not allowed Him to do the work in me that He has done in my life up to this point.
(Overly long-winded point to make there, I suppose.)
. . .
This song made me cry at church yesterday... It gives me hope - but there is pain in the waiting too.
Your Grace Is Enough - by Chris Tomlin Great is Your faithfulness oh God You wrestle with the sinner's heart You lead us by still waters in to mercy And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people Remember Your children Remember Your promise Oh God
Your grace is enough Your grace is enough Your grace is enough for me
Great is Your love and justice God You use the weak to lead the strong You lead us in the song of Your salvation And all Your people sing along
So remember Your people Remember Your children Remember Your promise Oh God
Your grace is enough Your grace is enough Your grace is enough for me
So remember Your people Remember Your children Remember Your promise Oh God
Your grace is enough Your grace is enough Your grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough Heaven reaching down to us Your grace is enough for me God I see your grace is enough I'm covered in your love Your grace is enough for me For me
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