Okay, don't go thinking I'm an advocate for Oprah - nor do I even regularly watch her show... but today I switched on the boob tube and it was on.  She did a really good show (again) today. Dang it.  The show was about sexual addiction and people who went to rehab for it. 

Um... NO... I'm not a sex addict.  But I may possibly be a love addict - which was discussed by Amber, one of the people who attended the rehab center. 

When I heard her speaking it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything she said I could completely relate to.  And the pain of what she has to deal with daily in recovery... I know I need to face and go through too.  It hurts so much just to think of it.

• I think part of me might be sabotaging who I am - who I can be - maybe because I want to avoid the pain of intimate or personal relationships --
  
• because of the pain that followed broken relationships in the past
• because I wouldn't even know what to do with a "real" and healthy relationship if it landed in my lap... 
• It feels so much like "recovery" means that I have to accept others' rejection.... which I guess I know, in reality, is just replaying out what I experienced growing up... but it just FEELS LIKE hard, cold rejection.
  

Kind of jumping around with my thoughts on this... but maybe healing will eventually be for me kind of like how an alcoholic has to not dodge every bar... but they sit with the bottle in clear sight - and get their reward in knowing they have gone "X" number of days without giving in to that addiction.

I guess I want to know the end of Amber's story (or someone like hers).  To see that there is hope for someone like her to have a healthy/safe relationship.


In other news...

I had a really good talk with my mom the other day.  A really, really good talk.  I feel grateful that she was willing to listen, willing to yell, willing to be yelled at, willing to really & truly hear the difficult stuff I had to say -- without hanging up.  And she was willing to consider and explore the possibilities of what I had to say as true.

I don't know what will follow this conversation... I am trying not to hope too much, but I know I kind of want to hope a little for some additional good to come out of it. And healing. And change.

Maybe that's not good for me to do - rather I should just be happy with the good things that came with the conversation from the other day.  Anyhow... I'm not holding my breath... but I am going to keep on hoping.

There is some fear involved... fear that she might accept responsibility for what she did wrong - and having a heart change... but that I will still be the same to her.  I guess part of me thinks that I can/will be different "if only she/he would..." 

Yes... I do know how ridiculous that sounds.  And I know it's part of the problems I need to overcome.  Why?? Because I know that I want people to accept me right where I'm at... so I need (and want) to do that too.


Anyhow... I guess I'll wrap it up.  I know I have a long way to go in so many areas of my life... and I want everything to hurry up and get better, dang it all.

Having reacted so much to my recent dark mood and emotions - and flaunting them so publicly on here... I'm ashamed (and of course, mad at myself, too).

Met with a group of ladies today - and it was good that we did. I'm very appreciative for them, and for the fact that they accept me "right where I'm at" too. They are there for me - while not hand-holding in a co-dependent way that would leave me even weaker and even more dependent on them.

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The Butterfly Story

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it had and it could go no further.

Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

~(author unknown)

 

no, walmart should not sell everything.

the details.

I don't know why... but it's creepy, bordering sacreligious, to me.

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I wish I could blog more but I can't right now.